Friday, June 1

i owe you an explanation.

there was something last night that kept telling and bothering me that the next day won't be an ordinary one. it would be something really different.

i was forcing my eyes to keep everything out of my sight, but it just wouldn't cooperate. and if my eyes were a soldier and i'm an army officer of some sort, i would've shot it big time. forget about the human rights (or eye rights for this instance), as long as i get what i want: shut out from this world for some time and swim into a world brimming with illusions. DREAMS.

but i guess forcibly doing it doesn't really help at all. i slept tight, so tight i would've deprived myself of oxygen, but that didn't allow me to drown into something i would've loved. DREAMS. fanciful dreams that would somehow ease my earthly worries. last night was a dreamless night. i didn't get to see my eternal crush waving at me. i didn't get to see myself riding a unicorn up above the limitless sky. enough. here i am again, holding on to a thought that would only exist in DREAMS.

so maybe that's why i had a dreamless night. it's so that i wouldn't have something so childish to hold on to. it's so that i won't have a fairytale, my fairytale, to believe when life slaps me for real.

i woke up. lunchtime. bloody hell, the noise was killing me. it was interrupting my time with myself. that precious time where all my senses seem to don't work for me at all. lunchtime, of course, all of the devilish/angelic kids are awake by now and are messing the whole household again. i am not a wake up-then-get up person. it would take me an hour before i lazily get up. 'till i heard that booming voice. "where on earth have you seen a person laying and sleeping all morning? not taking her breakfast and all?" well, you've seen her, right before your very eyes.

i know it was all about CONCERN. and i would have taken that statement as a joke. i've always taken things as jokes. but it struck me. i don't have a very good reason why i was awake all night.

there was no food on the table. no breakfast. this is not the proper way of losing pounds. this is not the proper way of killing thyself. i should thank the makers of instant noodles. ah, the goodness of artificial carbohydrates. ah, the taste of monosodium glutamate. it filled my rumbling, close to degradation stomach. phone call. argh, it interrupted my oneness with pork ramen.

"your training schedule is on monday, could you come?"

"hmm, i think not. enrollment is up next week."

"but that's your assigned training day."

"you said it would a friday or a weekend."

"that's the only time available kasi eh."

"i'm sorry, i couldn't come."

"ok. that's alright. thank you."

he was calmly sitting there, staring at his mini hacienda. i told him about the phone call. he asked me further. table meeting. back with my pork ramen.

i perfectly know (not excellent, this time it's perfect) that i'm such a fool posting this long for such a skin-deep reason (if only you knew and if only i was good enough to share). it was just right to question me. it wasn't right that i didn't answer back. it was a good conversation. it wasn't a good time.

tip: artificial carbohydrates and monosodium glutamate is not helpful in times of serious conversation. more over, one pack of instant noodle a week could suffice your body's sodium needs. eating more than one pack a week could lessen your chances of being taller (if you're hoping to be taller).

don't eat instant noodles in times of conversation. if you want your think tank working well for you.

my silence threatened me. my silence didn't help. there are words better left unsaid. but my words are the words that should be SAID. those words are words that should be HEARD. i know the answer to your question but, what the h*ll was i thinking?! why didn't i spoke up?!

and so here, you left me grudging. cursing myself over and over again. i was wrong fom the very beginning. wanting something at one point in time makes you regret after. i want to help myself. you know how i wanted to help myself. you know how i wanted you to be so proud of me.

i am sorry. i am very sorry. and i just want to say it here: I LOVE YOU. God knows how much i love you. God knows how much i care for you.

and so i guess i owe you an explanation. but please tell me how to start it all up.

i ~~expect~~ comments from concerned citizens. thank you. i must tell you that i have always been like this. the only difference is that i don't talk about it because i would rather bury it down. and forget it. and as how Doraemon puts it in:

"huwag mong ipakitang malungkot ka sa ibang tao kung wala kang balak mag-share ng problema. para kang nag-alok ng kendi pero hindi mo naman ibibigay."

and so i guess, i would continuously ask you to have a share of my CANDIES, yet, i won't give you some.

live it up with my very intriguing narrative.
live it up with my drama.

| posted by mica. at 2:15 PM

10 comments:

Mayee M. said:: we all commit mistakes. we're human. that's how we learn to live through this freakin' world, ofcourse with the help of dear God. hmm, whenever i have serious issues, i just talk to Him and listen to my heart for answers. oftentimes when i do that, it suddenly just comes to me, what i have to do or say. so, good luck po and God bless! :)

(serious nosebleeding, first aider! hehe. :P); 2:36 AM
mica. said:: to mayee:
we are all humans and we commit mistakes. that's a fact i've accepted since time eternity. along with being humans is the fact that we are imperfect. and this imperfection causes us to produce such posts. posts of plain earthly mumbling.

i've talked to Him. and would continuously do.

somehow i'm relieved. thank you for the concern. you've got a share of my CANDY! ^^; 7:46 AM
mica. said:: to mayee:
continued..

what the heck.. my reply contained an error!

:P; 7:48 AM
Mayee M. said:: good to hear. :)

you're always welcome, ate mica. :D wow, tnx for the candy! hehe.

now i have to go to bed. g'night! :); 9:05 AM
constantly thinking.. said:: hey! well to tell you the truth, i din't get it utterly. or should i say i didn't get it at all..haha.. but sure is you have a damn poignant feeling coz i'm definitely moved..

astig pla ni doraemon no? hehe..

well, kung d ka mamimigay ng candies, sasakit ipin mo nian.. bakit d m na lng kame bgyan tpos msaya k pang kumakain ng candy with us.. (opinion lng)

frends are here not to judge but to tell what they think is the reality u've been missing.. if that's the case nga lng.. haha

so, can i have some candy? not some piece of it.. pede whole.. hehe

anyways, kya yan.. kw pa.. da best k ata; 6:23 PM
mica. said:: to paul (constantly thinking):
wow, you're of the CONCERNED CITIZENs. niahaha. :P

you won't get it at all because i intended it to be like that. haha. madamot kasi ako di ba?

astig talaga si doraemon. haha. :P

mas mabuti ngipin ko na lang ang sumakit, kesa pati ngipin niyo sumakit. nagsasarili?! oo, ganun na nga.

pero someday, haha, sana sumakit ang mga ngipin nating lahat!

woot! ^^; 12:32 AM
Anonymous said:: psst, mics. :) mukhang ano mo 'yung tinutukoy mo ah. tama ka, out of concern lang 'yung pagreact niya ng ganun pagkagising mo, kahit pa medyo unfriendly 'yung paraan ng pagkakasabi niya. nag-aalala 'yung tao.

tungkol naman 'dun sa sinasabi mong fault mo. i may not understand what the both of you were talking about that sparked something you ought to have defended yourself on and it's a fact that speaking for your self is good, but there are times that we'd rather put our words to silence out of respect. at tingin ko, 'yun ang naghinder sa'yo na sagutin siya or at least, to reason out. you love him so much, so much that you'd swallow all those feelings and pride and let him win in the conversation. kasi mahal mo siya. at kung gaano man kalaki 'yung naging pagkakamali mo sa kanya, mahal ka din sobra 'nun. surely, things will be okay between the two of you in due time. :)

love you! (cheesy ba? haha!) *hug*

penge candy! :P; 4:06 AM
mica. said:: ooh, you're so deep-down-there gurl! *conio mode.*

lech kasi yang love na yan, ang alat! sobrang makeso! *anong mode toh?*

gusto mo kendi? may isang trak pa ko dito.

ahaha. ginugudtayms lang kita. ^^; 7:00 AM
joyce said:: aw.. hindi ko nagets kung ano nangyari, pero i hope that it isn't bothering you anymore. don't feel bad for not speaking up. i've been there and most of the time i chose to just keep my words in me. believe me, mas naregret ko pa 'yung times na nag-speak up ako to the supposed-to-be respected people kesa dun sa tumahimik ako. ewan. ang gulo ko ba? sorry, basta smile ka na ha? God loves you. =); 9:56 PM
mica. said:: to joycee:
wala talagang makakagets nian kasi intended yan to be like that. wahaha. so selfish ba?

hindi ka magulo. o magulo ka, katulad ko? what?! ako magulo. depende sa sitwasyon ko. madalas din hindi ako sumasagot pero yung moment na yun, alam ko dapat nagsalita ako.

simple lang naman yung nangyari talaga eh. kaya ayoko ng palawigin pa. what?! :P; 1:40 AM