i've never felt this down before. yep, i had my fair share of physical and emotional bruises before, but this thing bothering me is way different. it's something that rips the whole of me piece by piece until you could never ever realize it was me. i've realized that i have a socially constructed disorder. i've been changed, negatively. i've learned to depend only on myself. ONLY ON MYSELF. and this is not independence, it's very far from what i have been thinking. nothing matters most but my feelings, my insights, my future. nothing matters in this world but ME.
i care about others (my family, friends, enemies): what they have been doing, what they have done, and what are their plans. but i do not care enough to ask them. i don't bother. i got myself to think about. news and gossips would just arrive at my senses and i would shock myself to death. but that's it. i would care no more. if there's more news or gossips to come, so be it. i always point out that i don't want to meddle with other's affair, i'm better off without it. it's just so wrong. recently, i felt so faraway. really far. i guess it's human nature: you want to be updated with other's life just to get along, criticizing, praising, learning from others' actions. make others realize you care for them, you're bothered by their presence or their absence.
before, i've subdued myself very much into oblivion and i must say, it doesn't feel good. i was swarmed with friends (it was really obvious that i was in that state), always reminding me that everything would be alright, everything would be back to (ab)normal. it felt good. i felt warmth. it's just so good to know that others were bothered. but i know, others gave me the cold stare and the cold shoulder, probably saying that i am over reacting to such simple matters. we just can't get rid of it because i'm one of those who, again, just don't care at all (unless they were my best friends). i care enough to know who cried and why, but that would be it. no meddling around. yea, i'm very bad. as what i have told every being reading my blog, i'm not an overly done goody-goody girl. i only care about my OWN feelings.
i've loved myself so much that i grew tired and weary. now, i'm a no body. specifically, i don't know where these self-inflicted things came from but as of the moment, that's how i feel (and that would only last for 12 minutes). i've never felt contented. that's why i've never felt true happiness (what's true happiness anyway?).
"don't you ever wish
you were someone else
you were meant to be
the way you are exactly
don't you ever say
you don't like the way you are
when you learn to love yourself
you're better off by far
and i hope you'll always stay the same
'coz there's nothing 'bout you
i would change."
been bothered with these mushy lines. i've learned to love myself so much, did i became better? or worst? why would i stay the same if i'm mean?
mica, it's a matter of perspective. a positive perspective.
help. :'(
| posted by mica. at 6:05 AM
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Bea said:
aw.. mica. senti batuts mo. 'di naman completely totoo 'yung mga sinabi mo a. siguro tingin mo lang wala kang pakialam sa iba, pero hindi mo lang napapansin na you do show some bit of care. hindi man overly hayagan, meron. wag ka na madepress. may report pa tayo kay tet. haha. :b joking aside, siguro kailangan mo lang maging mas open sa emosyon: both pagpapakita ng emosyon mo at pagtanggap ng emosyon ng iba. (epekto yata ito ng sikolohiya. haha.) ayun. :)
labshu, micaboi. dito lang ako always and forever. :)
*hug*-
joyce said:
kung mei lalapit saken ngayon at magsasabing "you don't have any right to comment on this post", siguro i'd agree. asan nga ba ko this past year? i hate to admit na hindi ako updated seo kaya siguro mas safe kung di na lang ako magkokomento to save myself from saying anything na hindi tugma, pero i'm bothered. ayokong nafi-feel mo ung ganyan tapos nakaupo lang ako dito without saying anything. :(
sasabihin ko lahat toh, batay sa pagkakakilala ko seo during those years in risci. and until now.
agree ako na hindi ka ung tipong na nagme-meddle about someone na mei problema, pero at times na down ako at parang lokang loka na, hindi mo man ako akapin at pispisan at patahanin ever, otei lang. sabihan mo lang ako nang "oi, bwal umiyak", alam ko nang mei pake ka. cguro nga hindi ka uper emosyonal tulad nang iba, pero hindi mo kelangang i-bash ung sarili mo dahil dun. kasi iba-iba tayo chummy. hindi ka man gets ng lahat ng tao, isipin mo na lang na mei mga nakakaintindi seo. at nakakatanggap seo as you are. hindi mo kailangan i-stress out ang sarili mo to be someone na hindi naman ikaw. sinasabi ko toh base sa paniniwala kong ikaw pa din ung chummy ko nung high school. err, sori nag nobela pa ko. ^^
sorry hindi kita mabigyan ng concrete na advice, pero i hope na mei sense ung mga pinagsasabi ko. basta you'll get by.. andito lang din ako para seo kung kailangan mo ko. :)
advance sa sat chummy! magiging legal ka na. sorry, nakikinobela ako sa blog ng iba. basta, smile ka na.. God bless! labyu! *hugs*-
mica. said:
to kaleid0 and joyce: hoist, salamat sa concern. really. may papansin pala sa kaepalan ko.
mahal ko kayong dalawa! :D-
joyce said:
chorva kasi. ahaha. mahal din kita. mahal ka namin. XD
